The Story of Asshat

First off, let me just say that I'm totally bored at work right now. The shred box isn't even making me happy. I just want to go home. But, I can't yet so I'm going to be productive and finally tell the story of Asshat.

Few months ago I had this conversation withmyself:

Self: I
Me: Yes
Self: You need to put me out there again.
Me: What do you mean?
Self: Dating, moron.
Me: Why with the insults?
Self: Sorry, I'm a little on edge. Must be the hormones.
Me: That's fine I understand.
(Aside: Self should be kinder to oneself)
Self: But, seriously, I should put a personal ad on salon.com and at least make an effort. Send it out to the universe that I'm hot to trot and ready for some action.
Me: Or at least free coffee.
Self: Or at least free coffee. Of course, I'd be open to be paying as well.
Me: Of cousre. I'm a modern woman. I'll pay. But, it's good to let a guy feel like a man.
Self: Oh totally. But, I digress.
Me: I do that a lot don't I?
Self: Yes, I do. So, put the ad onto salon.com. Those people at work (that I'm not allowed to talk about on the internet) have been talking about how great it is. What's the worst that could happen?
Me: I could make contact with a serial killer stalker and end up dead.
Self: Exactly.
Me: I'm right. I should put an ad on the web. I, thank you.
Self: I'm welcome. I do have good ideas.
Me: Yes, I do.

And so I did put a personal ad on salon.com with a picture and everything. Couple of months later I was checking a message on salon.com and was IM'd by a guy, asshat. (I refuse to use the word man in this story, because asshat simply isn't one.) His asshattiness was not known or displayed at this point and we actually had a couple of really nice chats about movies. He had a good sense of humor and we seemed to be able to keep a conversation. I really looked forward to our IM chats over the next week since we were usually on the net at the same time.

Asshat worked in computer games and had just moved back to LA from Florida. He had grown up in the area. So, eventually we agreed to have a first date. I was nervous and excited because it had been quite awhile since I'd had a date of anykind. We chose to have sushi.

The first date went really well. Physically he was fine. Not great, not bad, fine. But, I really enjoyed our conversation. It was funny and interesting and we got to know each other. After sushi we had ice cream and then left for the night. He walked me to the car and I have to say he did something that at the time I thought was rather impressive.

As he walked me to my car he took my keys so he could unlock the door and open it for me. In the past I've gone on dates with guys where I was lucky if they remembered the should walk me to the car. And -- uh weired I just realized I can't remember if there was a kiss or not. Weird.

I think there was a kiss. Just a friendly one. Obviously not so memorable. There was definetly a hug though. I know that much. There was one thing that kind of bothered me though which was as I was driving home he called my cell. Asshat wanted to make sure, again, that I was okay to drive and didn't want to come to his place.

Being a moron (be kind to me. right, sorry, I) I pushed it out of my head.

Following week, I believe it was a Wednesday, I had just gotten on the freeway when Asshat called my cell. I was happy to hear from him and being a bit peckish agreed to meet him at his apartment and we'd go out for dinner. And again everything was going lovely. We had a nice Italian dinner. Nice conversation, continued to get to know each other. He was a handful as a child. And afterwards we drove back to his apartment where my car was.

Then something happened. I had to go to the bathroom. I didn't have to when we were at the restaurant. But, believe me when we got to his apartment, even though my instinct was to say goodnight at the car, there was no waiting around. I had to go inside the apartment and use the facilities. It was an emergency.

After I was done he was sitting on the couch petting his cat. Asshat has a cat and unfortunately due to the association with his father the poor cat will forever be asscat to me. It's nothing personal. But, you know what they say the sins of the father shall fall upon the son.

So, again instincts said leave, but I decided to sit down to talk maybe five minutes and then leave. And then Asshat began to let his true ass nature peak through. He made a move and kissed me. Which was fine. The kiss wasn't fine. It was actually kind of sloppy. But, the fact that he kissed me was fine.

But, then Asshat was trying to continue on. And being the modern woman I am I politely, but firmly pushed him back and the following conversation occured:

Me: I'm not having sex with you tonight.
Asshat: That's fine. We can still make out wildly.

He the proceeded to try do just that. Me being uncomfortable pulled back:

Asshat: You seem uncomfortable.
Me: Yeah. See, I've tended to move to quickly in the past and don't want to do that anymore.
Asshat: I understand.
Me: Good. I'm going to go now.
Asshat: Okay.

Asshat then leers at my breast and breathily says...

"I can't believe you're going to deny me your magnifiscent breast"

I can't claim that all the other dialogue is verbatim, but that last line is an exact quote etched in my memory forever.

"I can't believe you're going to deny me your magnifiscent breast"

Hands down the dumbest, most inappropriate-what-the-hell-were-you-thinking lines that any guy has ever said to me. Period.

Poor Asscat never stood a chance. It's a shame because he was a cute cat. Dumb Asshat.

I left immediately after that and I believe the look on my face told Asshat I was not impressed. I was angy and disappointed. And what had started off fairly promising ended in a crash and burn.

But, there's more to the story even. But, that's for another post.